Little People Need Love Too

Confirming rumors that her marriage is on the rocks, Ashlee Simpson openly made out with a midget at the MTV Awards in Australia. Pete Wentz is gonna be pissed.

Jamie Lynn Hearts Living in Sin

First, we find out The Bachelor isn't the best way to find your partner for life. Now, thanks to Bristol Palin and Jamie Lynn Spears, teen-pregnancy-and-a-shotgun-wedding is getting a bad wrap.

“The wedding’s off,” a source reveals to OK!. “They are still in love, living together and very happy, but they have no plans to get married. Jamie Lynn has everything she wants and feels no need for a ring and piece of paper.”
Adds another insider, “She and Casey have weathered a lot in their young relationship already and don’t need the pressure of making wedding plans.”

Thankfully, the situation can be alleviated with this advice from big sis: nothing takes stress out of nuptual-planning like bedazzling tracksuits for your wedding party. It's only a matter of time before Jamie Lynn realizes she can register at Wal-Mart, so book the bingo hall and see if Cracker Barrel caters, y'all, we gots a weddin' to plan!

David Cook Makes David Archuleta Look Tough

Looks like David Cook's fan has gotten out of hand again. Instead of hiring security with his bowling alley gig money, he got tough on his myspace blog. It's verbal pepper spray:

Hey everyone,First off, I want to say thank you to everyone who has been coming out to the shows since my last post. The vibe at these shows has been amazing.Secondly, I have to address some behavior that has become disturbing. We pride ourselves on being accessible to you as fans, but in contrast, we do enjoy what little privacy we can muster. To that end, the efforts by some fans to find our hotel rooms, call our hotel rooms, attach things to our bus, etc., is something I have to condemn. This relationship only works when it remains healthy for both parties, and should this behavior continue, the only thing we can do is take more preventative measures to maintain our privacy, which in turn makes us less accessible to you.I hope this doesn't come off as harsh. I merely want to nip this in the bud so we can continue to have a great experience with all of you at the shows we have coming up. Take care and see you at the next show.~D

Attaching things to your bus, David? Really? Something tells me it isn't the dirty panties you want me to think it is. That "free car wash" brochure stuffed under the wiper wasn't from a fan. The lady at your hotel room door? She was there with fresh towels. So unless your last name is Cassidy (sighs and doodles "Mrs. Cassidy" on all my notebooks), let's ease up on the Motel 6 concierge, who's just calling to make sure the room is roach-free.

Michael Jackson Deserves More Kids

Michael Jackson is on a roll! His London tour dates are sold out and OK! Magazine is reporting that he is looking to adopt a child. I guess Match.com didn't have exactly what he was looking for.

In case anyone forgot what kind of dad he is, I posted the picture of the day he tried to turn Blanket into a Throw.

Winnie Cooper, You Slut!

Winnie has flown the Cooper. For all of us who hoped, nay, prayed her romance with Kevin Arnold would be realized, it is a dark day.

Mathematician and author Danica McKeller spent the weekend marrying her composer boyfriend of eight years, Mike Verta, who wore white gloves and a formal tuxedo jacket with tails.

I'm not saying this was a nerdy wedding, but the cake was dairy free, and the favor was a wedgie.

Because It Was Slow Day for News

Finally, Security Cameras Serve a Purpose

If you read yesterday's post, you know LeAnn Rimes was rumored to be cheating on her husband. After telling Regis and Kelly it was just gossip yesterday, she released a statement saying this was a dificult time for her family and thanked everyone for their support, which cleared up nothing. Eddie Cibrian, married model Brandi
Glanville, however, denied the allegations and said the story was a complete fabrication. If you have absolutely nothing better to do, watch the video above. This is security footage from the restaurant showing Rimes and Cibrian making out and sucking each other's fingers. A model of discretion, the restaurant also produced a credit card receipt signed by Cibrian. Dear God! Who runs this restaurant, Pearl from 227?

The following is a paid advertisement from Mosun and Club M in Laguna Beach, CA:

Cheating on your spouse? Are you a celebrity or once were? Come on in to Mosun and Club M in Laguna Beach today for a free lunch and some hard-core canoodling! We won't point our security cameras on you and sell the footage to US Magazine; it's just there for your safety, honest. We're not trying to get publicity, we just love our celebrity clientele. Free alcohol to the cast of Sober House. Free dessert if you slip a nipple. Call for your reservations today. Ask about our special rate if you sit at the booth with the dirty under-table cam. Mosun and Club M in Laguna Beach, we won't tell!

Caught in a Lie: The LeAnn Rimes Story

You've watched little LeAnn Rimes grow up in the spotlight, going from an awkward 13 year old all the way through the country-bumpkin-rite-of-passage that is marrying a backup dancer at 19, having two children, and now having a steamy affair with her sexy Lifetime Original Movie co-star, Eddie Cibrian. I just saw her with my own eyes on Regis and Kelly, talking about how she lets the "rumors just roll off her back". But US Weekly has the photographic evidence. Do you swear everything you say is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Regis? My money says Lifetime:Telvision for Women takes this opportunity to make a movie about a young country star, thrust into the spotlight who marries young, has two kids, then has a steamy affair with her Lifetime: Television for Women movie co-star. I want royalties, Lifetime: Television for Women.

Did I just write something that awesome? What I meant to say was, uhhhh, what the hell is a LeAnn Rimes? Lifetime: Television for Women? Never heard of it. I have to go wax my jet pack.

Jenna Jameson Has Twins (Not the Ones You're Thinking Of)

International porn star Jenna Jameson has given birth to Tito Ortiz's twin boys, though I use the term given birth loosely because it implies effort. I also use the term loosely loosely.

She said on her myspace blog:
"I can’t even express the extreme serenity that came over me once I saw my children inside me. It has been my dream to have children for an extremely long time, and I truly feel like finally, the time is right and God has blessed me. I have never felt more like a woman, or more alive.

Babies? That's just about the only thing that hasn't been inside her. Two men at once? Different story.

Lindsay Lohan is Prison-Toast

Lindsay Lohan's arrest warrant appears to have been issued of a misunderstanding. She had been in an alcohol education class following her 2007 DUI and was either late to a session or missed one altogether. Her lawyer, Shawn Capman Holley, assures the public it's a minor issue that can be cleared up today.

Unfortunately for Lohan, California judges have taken pleasure in the opportunity to make examples out of poorly-behaving stars. Prison up, Lindsay! If only there was a way to prepare for prison. If only she knew what it was like to be watched all day. If only she could find an unattractive woman who thinks she's tough to practice having sex with. If only.

Chris Brown Takes Away a Child's Right to Choose

The Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards are coming up on March 28th. As of last week, Nick stood by the kids' nomination of Chris Brown in the Favorite Male singer category, which drew harsh critisism from the media, saying the nominations took place long before Brown was accused of assaulting his girlfriend, Rihanna.

Yesterday, Chris Brown withdrew his own name from contention, which was unusual. Usually when he withdraws last-minute, someone gets pushed down the stairs.

QUICK! PRESS PLAY!

Sexiest Wedding Ever

Because you're sick of hearing about Rihanna taking Punchy McFistface back and there's not a lot of news beyond that, I'll tell you that Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams were married in a quiet ceremony in Savannah, Georgia yesterday. It was quiet because nobody was there. Nobody was there because nobody cared. Nobody cared because this is the fugliest couple since Kiersten Dunst teamed up with Justin Long.

Warning, picture below (unless you have an awkward fetish. In that case, jackpot!).


Pictured Above: Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams, the moment they realized they weren't going to do any better

Has Anyone Seen Lourdes?

Looks like Madonna is so jealous of the attention Lourdes' is getting with her new emo look, she attended the annual Kabbalah Purim party last night in a Lourdes skin suit her clothes. Lourdes would have been quoted as saying, "I was getting a little old for this look anyway," but nobody can seem to find her.

Mic Check, One, Two

For anyone who likes a good, old-fashioned "Your mic is on" blooper, here's a video from Britney's Tampa show the other night:



And if you want an up-close look at what she was referring to (or just wondered what flossing a roast beef sub might look like), here's a gander at the wardrobe malfunction from perezhilton.com:

Dancing with the Ladies Who Have Serious Self-Esteem Issues

Jewel and Nancy O'Dell are confirmed OUT of this season's Dancing with Your Neighbor the Stars. The most legitimate sources (read: random bloggers) are saying that their replacements are Holly Madison and Melissa Rycroft, this season's The Bachelor winner. With it's season finale airing just last week, she is too relevant to be what this show considers a star. Holly Madison, out of the Playboy mansion and ten minutes from obscurity, however, is perfect.

The wardrobe department isn't worried about creating Holly Madison's last-minute attire (got any bandaids?), but they're a little concerned about getting the stench of desperation out of Melissa's costumes.

Jason Mesnick couldn't be reached for comment, but rest assured, he will be voting this season. He is awesome at making decisions.

Michael Jackson is More Broke Than You Thought

Neverland Ranch belongs to Sycamore Valley Ranch Company. Jacko announced today that he will be going on tour beginning in July for the first time in twelve years. Julien's Auction House is advertising a huge auction of items from MJ's former home.

Michael Jackson has filed a lawsuit against Julien's saying that, while he had given the company permission to remove the items from his former abode, they failed to provide him with an inventory list so he could give itemized authorization for each item's sale, and some of them are "irreplaceable and priceless."

I've picked my community service project for '09 and it's time to start delegating. MacCauley, send the man a new pair of your dirty underpants. Bubbles, grab the video camera and the Jesus Juice. We've got work to do.

Cry Like Jason! Cry!

For just one day, I want to post something positive. Call it public service. I never had feelings about the Jonas Brothers, particularly, but now I heart them. If this clip doesn't make you thankful, you're such a bastard (Jason).

The Bachelor Recap

Pull yourself together, Jason! Nancy Kerrigan cried less after her crowbarring. That about sums it up, but in case you missed it:

Jason and Melissa got engaged in the finale of The Bachelor in the most romantic proposal ever. She sickeningly asked for a moment before she answered to scream with excitement, then get down on her knee and ask him in return. It was the best five minutes of a Bachelor-viewer's life.






Melissa was the sweet, self-admitted "always the dumpee" from Dallas. She was good with his son, great with his family, and even recommended by the vilified DeAnna. (**Side note: Jason made DeAnna "Blinky McBlink" Pappas look like Satan's sister when she allowed the poor, defenseless single dad to get down on one knee even though she had already chosen Jesse CinchSack.) The new family jumped in a pool together as she proclaimed, "I'm gonna be Melissa Mesnick!".








Molly, the adventurous, hairbrushless department store buyer was left alone in the limo to wipe away tears and tell America he'd made a big mistake. Her eyeliner was waterproof and she definitely didn't spring for the kind with a smudger on the end (a la Criss Angel). A nice girl, we were sad to see her go, but knew it would take her no more than seven weeks to get over it.


Good thing After the Final Rose was taped in six!



With no audience except the millions at home, Jason told Melissa he felt the chemistry had changed and he wanted to pursue Molly.



Melissa returned the ring, got in the limo and went home to figure out how to make castration look like an accident.



Molly then came out with a noticeably swollen lip and crooked face. Did she run into Melissa on her way in? She said feelings just don't go away.



Good for Jason, who told her things didn't work out with Melissa and, "Sooooo.... wanna go for drinks?"



Unfazed by being dumped on national TV, she agreed.



Lesson learned. America, not only can you have your cake; you can eat it, have sex with it, dump it, eat another piece of cake, have it too, dump that, then return to the first piece of cake which is now a mushy pile of crumbs and ask it out for a drink and it will move to Seattle to help you raise your son.


How sad. Cake has no self-esteem. Someone should tell cake that it's pretty and can do better.



The two hour finale was followed by a one hour After the Final Rose. Was three hours just about enough? There's more! Tonight is After the Final Rose: Part Two! All parties involved will react to seeing part one and update us on their lives since the January taping. I hope there's a metal detector.



Way to milk that Bachelor teet, ABC.

Rachael Ray Makes Food-Porn

The braintrust at FHM Magazine, clearly high on crystal meth, asked Rachael Ray to pose sexy-like for their new latest issue. Rest assured, typically Rachael Ray naked pictures will always be posted under a bold "wear eye protection" warning, but these couldn't look more photoshopped if Walt Disney himself had sketched her. Bon appetite!