This Will Shut Them Up

Jessica Simpson done thunk up a great way to quiet the critics who called her chunky after her performance at the 99.9 Kiss FM's Chili Cookoff earlier this week: stealing a small child's leather pants and performing sausage-style at last night's concert in Virginia.

"They called me fat? Someone get me some fried chicken and an outfit that's eight sizes too small. We'll show them! And I'm going to be performing barefoot, because heels might make me look taller and lean."

I won't say Jessica Simpson is overweight, but I will say Tony Romo likes his women with some meat on their bones, and in their hair, and quite possibly stuck between the seat cushions of their couch.

Because I Specialize in Classic Portraiture

Here's one that makes the art in the Louvre look like the disposable camera pictures from your bachelor party. Lady Shauna Sand was photographed riding alongside her estranged husband in heels that will undoubtedly wind up in Michelle Obama's wardrobe if she knows anything about class.

Yes, this is the same man she is divorcing for punching her implants and taking nude photographs of her children. But he's carrying her purse! Someone get me my Unchained Melody CD single, I feel a reconciliation coming on!

Lindsay Still Skeletalicious, Dad Still a Famewhore

It's good reading when celebrities write in their blogs for any reason lately, but it's even better when their estranged fathers do. Michael Lohan wrote an especially mature entry today that is awesome because it pleads with his loving public to help his daughter. Mostly, though, you should love it for the comments that follow. Every one of them basically starts with, "You're a loser". So, if you were feeling low today, pop on over to Michael Lohan's plea right here on blogger and take a swing at the ol' deadbeat-dad-pinata. I am still crafting my comment. Give me a few minutes, I'm an artist.

PS - What's up with Ali Lohan in this picture? Good thing she's got a supergenius manager in her corner who decided to toss the "adorable teen" angle and go with "Joan Jett's older sister, the aerobics instructor". Well played, Dina.

NBC Hates Sexy Vegetarians

Wanna see the PeTA ad that NBC won't run during Sunday's game?



Apparently, millions of obese male football fans would be offended by horny supermodels who would rather make love to carrots than a loser in a wing-sauce-stained football jersey who smells like pabst and couch farts. Go figure.

FoxNews, Still Bitter About Election, Makes Hilarious Claims

In case you haven't seen it yet, happy early Christmas. Coincidentally, Merry Fistmas available in an adult store near you Tuesday!

Beanie Babies Stop Exploiting Endangered Animals, Start Expoiting Obama Girls

Ty, the makers of Beanie Babies, have two new additions to the TyGirlz collection, Marvelous Malia and Sweet Sasha. A spokesperson for the company, Tania Lundeen, says these dolls, released in January, are not made in the likeness of Barack Obama's daughters. "There's nothing on the dolls that refers to the Obama girls," Lundeen said. "It would not be fair to say they are exact replications of these girls. They are not."

At first, I thought this story was a fishy as you think it is. But I did a little research and found out the company has also named other dolls after icons that are not replicas. I checked their website and it's true. Here are some dolls with familiar names and vague resemblances:

No exposed reproductive organs and gaping sores? Case dismissed.

On the One Year Anniversary of His Death, an Oscar Nomination

If anyone who gives a creepy performance from beyond the grave can win an Oscar, why doesn't Madonna have any?

Heath Ledger's Joker could (and should) win an Oscar. Unfortunately, he isn't available for an interview. Unless John Edward has started doing famous people. Cha-ching!

Barack Obama: The White Half Does the Dancing

I promise, this is the last inbloguration (like Brangelina, but not a celebrity couple, a blog post about the inauguration) until 2013.

Perhaps this was an attempt to relate to the Senate, but skip ahead to the one-minute mark for all the finger-snapping, bent-elbow, not-a-whole-lot-going-on-above-the-knee action you can handle. This man makes John McCain look like he's krumping.

Kevin Smith Looks Great!

Looks like someone has finally shed a few post-Clerks II pounds. Just kidding! Cankles Federline was out on the golf course today after spending the weekend with his kids and girlfriend, Fat Fetish McGee (aka Victoria Prince).

Here's a picture of the backs of Victoria and K-Fed as they load Britney's chitlins into the car after having lunch at a Japanese Restaurant in Fresno over the weekend. My problem is not with the lack of face in this photo, it's with the paparazzo who didn't even bother getting out of his car to capture the moment. What happened to the devoted photographers who used to scale walls and hide in bushes to take pictures that are none of my damn business? This is your last warning, TMZ. I like my photos served with a side of restaining order.

Inbloguration Coma

After yesterday's seven posts, I decided to take the day off. Unless something awesome happens. Like Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer breaking up. What? They did? Crap. Then I guess this counts.

Fancy Balls

The news has been promising us a peek at the Inaugural Balls tonight, so I present a summary of the most tragically-named part of the day. Rumor has it the Obamas have ten balls to attend tonight, with their last appearance scheduled at 2:35am.

Wondering "Where My Balls At?". Here's the schedule:

The Presidential Inaugural Committee will host 10 official inaugural balls:

- Neighborhood Inaugural Ball at the Washington Convention Center.

- Obama Home States (Illinois and Hawaii) Inaugural Ball at the Washington Convention Center.

- Biden Home States (Pennsylvania and Delaware) Inaugural Ball at the Washington Convention Center.

- Midwest Inaugural Ball at the Washington Convention Center.

- Mid-Atlantic Inaugural Ball at the Washington Convention Center.
- Western Inaugural Ball at the Washington Convention Center.
- Commander in Chief's Ball at the National Building Museum.
- Southern Inaugural Ball at the National Guard Armory.
- Eastern Inaugural Ball at Union Station.
- Youth Inaugural Ball at the Washington Hilton.

Unofficial balls include:
- Congressional Black Caucus Inaugural Ball at the Capitol Hilton.
- Creative Coalition Inaugural Ball at the Harman Center for the Arts.
- Recording Industry Association of America's ball for Feeding America.
- BET's Inaugural Ball at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel.
- Africa on the Potomac inaugural celebration at Crystal Gateway Marriott in Arlington, Va.
- American Music Inaugural Ball at the Marriott Wardman Park Hotel.
- Inaugural Purple Ball at the Fairmont Hotel.
- Human Rights Campaign's Equality Ball at the Renaissance Mayflower Hotel.
- Inaugural Peace Ball at the Smithsonian National Postal Museum.
- Impact Film Fund ball.

It's absolutely nuts how many balls are being held here, isn't it? I am so grateful not to be a Washington party planner holding these balls. I don't have the patience and would quickly get testy.

Mature, party of one. Is my table ready?

While They Are Eating, Other Unimportant Details

Does anyone know where I can find a really thick limo?

Built by General Motors the (Barack Obama's official) armoured vehicle has been nicknamed ‘The Beast’. It is the latest in a line of cars built by Cadillac for the First Fleet, though historically the President has also been driven in Ford’s luxury brand, Lincoln. The latest Cadillac is reported to have military-grade armour at least eight-inches thick. The car is also said to be fitted with tear-gas cannons, reinforced tyres and a wheelbase built to resist bomb and missile attacks.

Now that's how you save an auto industry.

1:00: The Luncheon

Does Hillary Dennis Rodman Clinton think she's going to get an engraved invitation to sit the eff down? Aides have been begging the politicians, dignitaries and leaders to take their seats. They would like to seat the new prez already (ahem) Hillary.

Yum! Lunchtime!

Here's the menu:

First Course-
Seafood Stew

Second Course-
Winter Vegetables
Molasses Whipped Sweet Potatoes
Herb Roasted Pheasant with Wild Rice Stuffing
Duck Breast with Cherry Chutney

Third Course-
Cinnamon Apple Sponge Cake

I promised you the unimportant and damnit I'll deliver!

12:25 and What Feels Like Hours Later

Elizabeth Alexander: Yale professor, poet, official inaugural buzz-kill.

12:05 and More

Barack Obama is sworn is as the 44th President of the United States and gives a fantastic inaugural address. Thank GOD it was better than the swearing-in (video here if you like feeling a little uncomfortable).

11:50am

Aretha Franklin would like to thank the hat-bow store for the ridiculously large hat-bow.



Oh, she sang something? I didn't notice. I couldn't see beyond the hat-bow.




Hat-bow.

Following the Inauguration: 11am

Here at stardroppings.com, we are uncommitted to important news, and therefore promise to cover all of the unimportant details of the day, filling the gaping void left by CNN.

Let's begin.

Two million people, five thousand port-a-potties. I hereby diagnose the majority of attendees with inaugupation.

Big News

I have this awful, nagging feeling today. You know, the one you get when you know there's something you had to say but you can't remember what it was? I know there's something going on today, but geez for the life of me I... nope. It's gone. I got nothing.

Why can't the freaking media do their jobs and tell me what's going on today? I mean, isn't there an event taking place they can cover? I want details! From who's attending to wardrobe to cuisine and the color of the napkins!

I GOT IT! You can finally get your tickets to the New Kids on the Block Cruise, sailing from Miami to the Bahamas and back! What's more American than that?!

Oh, and there's the Inauguration dealy up in Washington DC. Live coverage here.

Hate Your Eyes? This is the Post For You!

A rapping lumberjack? An angry hippie? A dirty coke head? No, no, it's just Joaquin Phoenix pursuing his career as a rap singer. Seriously.

I'm not sure who could be cheering in this first clip. It's either a fellow group of eye-haters, or the Phoenix Family Reunion '09.



Just for fun, here's a clip of Wah-keen falling off the stage. Looks like the Phoenix clan is going to need a replacement black sheep for the 2010 reunion. I smell a reality show!

Photographic Evidence Shows Lindsay Lohan is Getting Skinnier, Or Is She?

I have read in at least three 'bloids today that Lindsay Lohan is losing weight. Is she getting skinnier? Or is her head just getting larger?

Marinate in that one. Have a good weekend.

Ryan Seacrest's Close-Call with a Girl

It's a good thing Fergie is on her honeymoon, otherwise she'd have to step aside for America's new favorite butterface, American Idol contestant Katrina Darrell. Somewhere in America tonight, Renee Zellweger and Sarah Jessica Parker are high-fiving.

Not that you care, but she auditioned and it was terrible. Simon is going through a highly publicized dry-spell, though, and that's probably what sent her though to the next round. The best part was when she warned Ryan Seacrest that she was going to make out with him when she got through to Hollywood and the little guy was nowhere to be found when she came out of the audition. Was he trying to hunt down a step-stool? Was it the glaring sexuality issue? Did he catch a glimpse of her face? But her face...

Sham-a-Licious

So, I was browsing through some exclusive photographs from US Weekly and was prepared to post about how nice it was that two lovestruck young men found a way to celebrate their union in the face of adversity. Then someone told me these were pictures from Fergie and Josh Duhamel's weekend wedding. Shenanigans! You're telling me that Fergalicious would use a hairdresser for the Best Buy commercial but not her own wedding? And someone would have had the sense to talk Josh out of the black clown shoes. Someone get US on the horn, I'm blowing the lid off this one!

Kate Hudson Dating a Man Who Might Not Be on the Rebound

Some pictures surfaced today of Kate Hudson on the beach with Adam Scott, which may discredit reports of a blossoming relationship with necrophiliac Alex Rodriguez.

Fruitlessly searching for a reason to wear a bikini top, it looks like Kate is back to doing what she does best: creating new strains of chlamydia dating.

In case you don't know who Adam Scott is, he's a professional golfer. I found this photo of him chewing on a golf tee as if to say, "Look at me. I'm a professional golfer." Enjoy.

A-Rod and Kate Hudson Find Each Other at Last

What's an A-Rod* to do when his undead lover** dumps him for a Brazilian model***? Clearly, rebound with Hollywood's surest thing****, Kate Hudson (aka, Boobs McGee).

They went to Lure Fishbar together with a group of friends and "looked very cozy" according to witnesses. The ironically named setting was an actual restaurant, not just a clever nickname for Ms. Hudson's bedroom.*****

* Alex Rodriguez

** Madonna

*** This guy

**** not counting David Spade

***** I am so sorry about that one, Kate Hudson. I'm a huge fan.

Sandra, Denise, Theo, Vanessa, Rudy, Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa

Some things sound so natural, they just roll right off the tongue. Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa was born to Denise Huxtable (aka Lisa Bonet before she changed her name to Lilakoi Moon) this week. Good luck getting that on a "Hello, My Name Is" tag.

Bone-In, Bone-Out, Bailout

Larry Flynt and Joe Francis are preparing their pitch for Congress, proposing a $5 billion bailout for the adult entertainment industry. Joe Francis has said he would ask to present their plan in the coming weeks. Pun intended.

After the Colon: My Resignation

A Commentary With Zero Celebrity News

I was watching The Bachelor last night and noticed an icon in the corner of the screen reminding me to stay tuned for True Beauty. This was the first time I'd heard of it. I think all networks should take a cue from Lifetime: Television for Women and add a colon to every show title, followed by a brief explanation (ie, Portrait of a Killer: OJ's Terrifying Tale, or I Suck: The Monica Lewinsky Story). Women want to know what they're getting into, and Lifetime: Television for Women has the right idea.

I hereby announce my retirement from blogging (pending my employment with a network as a professional colon-writer). I'll present you with some samples; not just as a resume for all the network executives who surely read this daily, but as a demonstration to everyone else of how much easier life would be if we knew what we were getting into before we changed the channel.

The Bachelor: 25 Aging Hos Go for the Rose

The New Beverly Hills, 90210: Half the Cool Kids, Twice the Bulimia

Rock of Love Bus: Because They Make an Implant for Every Body Part

How I Met Your Mother: Proof That the Fun, Cute Bachelor is Always Gay

Grey's Anatomy: When We've Effed All the Doctors, We Start Effing Ghosts

Feel free to add more in the comments so I can steal them when ABC comes a-calling!

True Love Means Staying Together Just to Prove People Wrong

Ahhh, young love. Tabloids and bloggers reported that Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan had finally split for good following all the New Year's fights in Miami. Lindsay took to her blog (again) to defend their relationship (again) and I had to let you know that everything is okay. Get some sleep tonight. They're just fine.

In related news, Hollywood's latest trend appears to be sibling-dating. Paris and Nicole had the Maddens, Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus had the Jonases and in a bid to be like her idol, Audrina Patridge, Lindsay Lohan has landed Justin Bobby's scrawny little brother. See what happened there? Let me explain so you'll understand and it's much less funny. Samantha Ronson looks like Justin Bobby, only small and weak and butch. From here on out, she will be known on stardroppings.com as Justin Booby. Genius.

Lourdes Leon Madonna Richie Rodriguez Enrolls in Acting School

Madonna's 14-year-old daughter, Lourdes, has enrolled in the NYC acting school made famous by MacCauley Caulkin, Scarlett Johansson and Sarah Jessica Parker. Her schedule looks like this:

1st period: Putting Your Hands on Your Cheeks and Screaming Endearingly


2nd Period: Slow Year for Work? Sell Your Snot and Other Bodily Fluids on eBay

3rd Period: Different Ways to Deliver the Line, "I Couldn't Help But Wonder"

If acting doesn't work out, she'll have no problem fitting in. What is it about New Yorkers freely accepting any brooding asshole with a pair of thick glasses? New York is supposed to be the fashion capitol of the world. This Woody Allen thing is over. It's time to emulate realistic and attractive idols, like Whitney Port. This has been a paid endorsement of The City, with a new episode tonight at 10/9 central. What? I'm not getting paid? Freaking New York.

Mommy, Where Does Vomit Come From?

Nothing says class like a good scratch and an exposed nipple. Amy Winehouse is on her seemingly endless vacation, where the rumor is she picked up the hotel worker who played Santa at Christmas. Seriously.

After I finish scratching out my eyes with fingernail clippings, I need to find a way to douche my brain with pine sol and forget this ever happened. See you tomorrow. Maybe.

You're Not Fooling Me, Kelly-Clarkson-Impersonator-Who-Looks-Nothing-Like-Kelly-Clarkson

Remember From Justin to Kelly? The movie made in the weeks following American Idol's first season starring Justin Guarini and Kelly Clarkson? The movie that made no attempts to make its' lead actors look attractive or fit? Oh, you didn't see it? Uhhhh, me neither. That would just be lame.

Anyway, that's the cover art for Kelly Clarkson's new album. I, for one, do not recognize her without the bad complexion and low self-esteem. The airbrush artist could have gone a little further in the name of honesty.

The Waiting Game, a Follow-Up to the Mug Shot Game

We're still waiting for reports of silliness from New Year's Eve. So far:

- Rick Solomon is being sued for having some responsibility for a woman being beaten senseless at his home, which was ironically once owned by a friend of OJ Simpson, and was the location sited by the sole eye witness to testify in the OJ case where he saw OJ hit Nicole. There must be something in the water (or cocaine).

- Britney Spears' brother got married.

No other reports. It's safe to assume people did stupid things. It's also safe to assume that the people who care are taking the day off. See you tomorrow!