The New Year's Mug Shot Game

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Last night, on new year's eve eve, Charles Barkley got himself a DUI and Matt Dillon was arrested for driving 106 miles per hour.

Idiots. Each is worthy of a post, but I would like to save all the deliciousness for tomorrow, when certain celebrities are sure to make scenes, make love and make their criminal records a lot more interesting.

I welcome any guesses. Please phrase all guesses Clue-style (ie. Lindsay Lohan in a Bentley with a bottle of Grey Goose) The closest to the pin will win an exclusive prize** from StarDroppings.com. In the event of confusion, a vote will be held to determine the winner***.


* The scientific rendering above indicates that I think the incarcerated celebrity will be tall.

** Prize of no monetary value, literally. Maybe I'll add you as a friend on my facebook account and give you a virtual high five.

*** Term used loosely

Tripp Johnston Arrives In All His Hillbilly Glory

I'm not saying that the father, Levi, looks like McSteamy got hit in the head with a hockey puck, but with a little Just For Men and a serious head injury, this could totally be Eric Dane.

I'm also not saying this poor child might be a redneck because his Uncle Trig is less than a year older than he is, but he might as well be smothered in bacon grease and called Jayden James. This has Spears written all over it. It's a conspearacy. See what I did there? You can't stay away.

Awwwwwwwwwww Mannnnnnn

Dontcha hate it when you'e on vacation with your mom and she drags you around like a little trophy so everyone can take your picture?

Ohh! That's Mariah Carey and new husband Nick Cannon on vacation in Aspen. Rumors are rampant that she's pregnant with his baby. Ewww.

Tom Brady is a Down to Earth and Simple Man

For those of you gents who want to make honest women of your ladies, how about this simple-but-effective proposal Tom Brady threw together for Gisele Bundchen?

The proposal took place aboard a private jet that took off from the New York area and landed in Boston. In addition to Tom and Gisele, Bundchen's parents were also aboard the plane, which Brady had adorned with four dozen white roses, as well as champagne.
How romantic! (PerezHilton.com)

Remember, in a troubled economy, nothing says I Love You like a simple private jet and roses.

Merry Christmas: a Picture, a Post, and a Poem

If you haven't laid your eyes on the very essence of Christmas this year, have a gander at Hugh Hefner's Christmas card. Nothing says "let's celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus" like his withered face and two body-painted sluts. It makes me nostalgic for my childhood. So, in Hef's honor, a poem for the children:

Twas the night before Christmas

and all through the mansion

D-Listers were stirring

like Charlie Sheen and Hansen.

The twins were all painted

to cover their boobies

But Holly and Kendra

didn't see the newbies

Holly had moved on

to Criss Angel, Mind Freak

And Kendra was planning

a wedding in weeks

Neither girl cared

about Santa's reindeers

For neither had seen

an erection in years

So turn out the lights

a celebrate right

Merry Christmas to all

and to a good night!

(porn music)

Lance's Gnad... Not Too Shabby

Lance Armstrong froze his sperm in the 90's when he found out he had testicular cancer (well, he didn't freeze it himself but someone did. Probably at a clinic or doctor or something. On second thought, maybe he did. He's Lance Armstrong. He can do anything. Seriously). With the help of the spermpops and in vitro, he and his wife had three children.

Then Lance dated Hollywood's Fertile Myrtle, Kate Hudson. Sure, she only has one kid, but if she can lay still long enough for Hippie McHomeless to get her pregnant, it's safe to assume she's got super vacuum eggs with tiny little welcome mats. That being said, Lance was probably feeling pretty safe in the accidentally-knocking-someone-up department.

Enter Anna Hansen, a woman he met while working with his non-profit charity for cancer survivor (read: a bar). They have been dating since July and just announced she's expecting.

Headline from the future: Muscley Baby Born with Cape Eats Glass for Fun

What? Lance is tough. I'm just sayin'.

This is Snot Happening

The eBay auction for the tissue Scarlett Johansson blew her nose on after catching a cold from Samuel L. Jackson has ended and her boogers are officially worth 392 times their weight in gold (assuming she can blow out a half gram and gold prices hold at $845 an ounce). Nerd alert! I'm hilarious AND good at math!

Does anything else think the person who had $5300 allocated to a special "famous booger" fund should be shot? What's that? A barrel of oil fell below $38? Well, let's just fill it with Scarlett Johansson's snot and the economy can rebound faster than Britney's reputation (assuming a barrel of oil weighs 305 pounds and the price of boogers holds out, valuing it at over $258,000). Time to enroll the kids in acting school!

MTV Reveals Fast & Furious Poster

I hate to be the one to point out the elephant in the room, but did anyone else notice that chick from Lost wandered into this photoshoot? The budget may be limited because we have all seen this movie (twice) already, but anybody with photoshop can get her off the hood of that car. How long has she been off the island* and why hasn't she changed her clothes?

* "the island" is what the kids are calling "jail for driving while intoxicated"

Remind You of Anything?

Everyone likes to watch old home movies during the Christmas season. Sometimes we even make new ones. When Pam Anderson couldn't find a co-star, she grabbed the next biggest nozzle she could get her hands on.

In an Ironic Twist of Fate, Someone Sprays Ron Jeremy in the Face

While Ron Jeremy dined with friends at Mel's Diner in LA, he was allegedly approached and doused with pepper spray by an angry paparazzo. Nasim Saleh has been arrested. Ron Jeremy says the photographer is actually a "good guy" and may have been responding to a knife threat nearby on the Sunset Strip. He granted the photographer an interview after the incident was over.

While the story makes no sense to me, and isn't really even interesting, I can't resist a good headline.

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

If you haven't wanted to shoot yourself yet this afternoon, Scarlett Johansson's eBay snot is up to $3272. as of 1:45pm EST.

Speaking of frustration and rage, have you ever turned a twist-tie the wrong way, then tried to fix it, only to figure out you had been going the right way to begin with and now you'll never get into that bread without ripping a huge hole in the bag and ruining the whole loaf?

Now, multiply that by a thousand and you've got sex with Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer. Thank God they've got enough money to pay someone to untangle that jumbled mass of chicken-legged madness during their post-coital cigarrette. Now, go about your day with that image dangling in your brain like a little Christmas ornament from me. I love you.

Insane in the Mucous Membrane

As if marrying Ryan Reynolds wasn't insulting enough (note to self: return How to Make Ryan Reynolds Love You to Barnes and Noble), now Scarlett Johansson is selling her boogers on eBay and people are bidding thousands of dollars to own them. Don't believe me? Click here. At last check, the bidding was up to $2125.

Ah, he old saying is true: Stars, they're just like us. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go see a man about a horse and if this trend has caught on, I'm gonna be rich!

A Rumor So Ugly It Makes Spencer's Beard Look Sexy

Insiders at The Hills are saying the LA courtroom used to legitimize Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's marriage was real, but the judge was an actor.

Wait a minute. Heidi and Spencer staged something? For publicity? How dare you imply such an ungly untruth? You make me sick.

My Name is Hurl

Yep, Madonna makes me so mad I vomit. She gets hers, though (aside from the divorce and the savage beating Time has given her face). 39 seconds in, karma rears it's head.

Megan Was Beggin' for a Beat-Down

If you have watched any so-bad-it-rules reality TV this year, you know Megan Hauserman, who appeared on Beauty and the Geek, Rock of Love, I Love Money, and Rock of Love: Charm School. Usually, when we wonder about these casts and "Where are they now?" the answer is "Nowhere". Today, the answer is, "An emergency room in LA".

Rock of Love: Charm School was taping it's reunion special on Saturday night when Sharon Osbourne made a crack about Megan, who she clearly disliked thoughout Megan's short stint on the show. Megan responded with, "Well, you're only famous for managing a brain-dead rock star".

OH NO SHE DI'INT!!!

Sharon rushed the stage where all the skanks were staining their stools and got a hold of Megan's hairdo and wouldn't let go while she scratched and clawed at her face and body, putting Megan in the hospital.

There is an investigation into the matter, as Megan has filed charges against the Charm School Dean.

Someone alert the Queen! There is a new standard for charm and someone at Buckingham Palace has clearly not been taking notes.

Full House Gets Bulldozed

Sources are saying the Full House remake that John Stamos was pitching to network executives is "completely dead". Looks like a certain ER doc lives paycheck to paycheck and needs a new project STAT!

For those of you who said you would watch the sitcom just to see what happened to the characters, here's the lowlow:

- Stephanie is a twice-divorced meth addict. How rude.

- DJ married a hockey player with a girls' name at 20 and immediately popped out three children. Whoa baby!

- Uncle Joey banged Alanis Morrisette and lives to reget it. Cut it out!

- Danny Tanner is a dirty mouthed comedian. Something about cleaning!

- Michelle's twin appeared and they grew to five feet tall but miraculously maintained their weight from the premiere episode. You got it dude.

- Uncle Jesse blah blah married blah blah divorced blah blah supermodel, blah blah ER blah blah tried to pitch a remake of Full House. Have mercy!

Khloe Kardashian: Hold the Hair Brush, Extra Airbrush

Mmmmm. I had a hankering for a naked reality show extra in the morning.

Is Peta broke? Someone get that girl who threw flour at Lindsay Lohan on the line immediately!

Delicious irony of the day? The campaign "Fur? I'd Rather Go Naked" because I can guarantee there are thousands of animal-lovers out there hunting their pets with pellet guns because they would rather skin a cat with their bare hands than see Khloe Kardashian naked.

The Next Bachelor Gets Engaged Despite Ill-Fitting Pants

SPOILER ALERT! If you do not want to know the next Bachelor, Jason Mesnick, gets engaged at the end of the season, do not read anything below this sentence, this sentence, or the headline above the picture.

The new season begins January 5th, but Jason Mesnick has already come out and said he's found exactly what he's looking for and is, in fact, engaged.

Congratulations on finding a woman you will not see for a few more months and on the one-year relationship that will follow until your fame-lovin' bachelorette seals the deal on a catalogue modeling contract with JC Penney. Crazy kids.

Mystery Solved

You know how, when you wet your pants in elementary school, your teacher sends you to the nurse and you have to wear something out of the lost and found box? You haven't? Me neither. That's just gross.

Anyway, this very thing happened to my friend in first grade when she was wearing her favorite dress. So they made her put on a scratchy pair of Chic jeans that were a little too small that rode up all day and she never saw her super sweet floral dress ever again. Sooo, either (a.) Whitney Port wets her pants, or (b.) she has been rifling through the lost and found at Naples Elementary School.

If Spencer + Heidi = Speidi (does math in head) Then Spencer + Roofies = Spoofies

Heidi and Spencer have made it through the week, much to the dismay of her mother, who has generously given their marriage six months. Here's a link to an article in which she insists he must have drugged Heidi to get her to marry him in case you want to feel good about your own in-laws.

Another thing that will make you feel good? Their rings are ass. The purple mall-bought monstrousity he gave her on the beach was disgusting, but it seems the ring Heidi picked out for Spencer was her way of exacting revenge. Let's just say there was more than one dangling charm on their honeymoon.

Mary Kate to Marry Nate?

There's no talk of Mary Kate Olsen marrying her boyfriend, Nate Lowman, but I can't resist a clever headline. There IS, however, talk of a possible pregnancy after her weight skyrocketed to a disgusting 102 pounds and she showed up at a benefit dressed like the white ghost-lady who peeks out the belltower window at Old Man Johnson's house down the block.

Stalkers Have No Standards These Days

As long as we're on the subject of stalking, I am about to blow your mind:

KIRSTEN DUNST GOT A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST HER STALKER, CHRISTOPHER SMITH.

Christopher Smith could have saved himself some good bail money if someone had his back and told him he could meet a prettier, classier and more talented woman at Wal-Mart. In the bathroom. Passed out on the floor. For days. Apparently homeless. With syringes sticking out of her arms. But nooooooo, Chris had to go all the way to Hollywood to try to break in to Kirsten Dunst's home, only to be citizen-arrested by her personal assistant.

Come on, Kirsten. You call him "crazy". I call him "interested". Maybe you should call and apologize and see if you can't work something out before Christmas. I'm sure there's a doll-made-of-your-own-hair-stocking-stuffer in it for you!

Stars, They're Just Like Us

They walk their dogs. They go to the grocery store. They stalk their innocent would-be lovers while playing Enya in their slow-moving cars through rain and snow and teared, blurry vision. In a recent interview, Kate Hudson said, "I did go through this stalker phase. I was completely crazy about this one guy and used to drive by his house and get my friends to call me up if they saw him in a restaurant so I could show up."

I mean, who hasn't "accidentally" run into a guy at a restaurant? Who hasn't brought his homework to his house when he was home sick from school so you could steal his sweatshirt that smells faintly of CK1 and clove cigarrettes and use it as a pillowcase until it molded? Who hasn't told someone they were pregnant so he would break up with his girlfriend and then he laughed because your sweet love had only been actualized in a daydream during homeroom? I mean, come one, Kate! You drove by his house? Wow! You must have really been in love to spend that kind of time and gas money. Paula Abdul's stalker is spinning in her grave right now. Where's the creativity? Where's the effort? Where's the restraining order?

Do It for the Children

The mature part of me didn't want to post this. Thankfully, the mature part of me is smaller than Hayden Panettiere, rendering itself useless. Geri Halliwell was at the Children's Bafta Awards in London when the most child-appropriate thing happened: