Amy Winehouse Looks Fantastic

Divorce doesn't look good on everyone, but don't tell that to Amy Winehouse, who answers two questions that have been burning in everyone's brains:


Could she possibly get any hotter?

and

How did Richard Simmons get Rhea Pearlman pregnant?

Holiday Posts Can Be Fun

Isn't it fun when perfect people do imperfect things? Demi Moore brought Ashton Kutcher with her to London while promoting a movie called Flawless. I love that they posed like it was an 80's prom. I also find it ironic, considering his prom was in the 90's and her senior ball was headlined by the court minstrel and a guy in a loincloth banging on a rock.

Nothing Says Happy Holidays Like Whiz on a Wall

I know you've had a hankering to see some more famous people peeing in public ever since you saw Prince William's jewels, so here you go. Has anyone looked up "Mark Wahlberg's urine" on eBay? Because I know where you can find some...

Aubrey O'Day Naked: "Been There, Done That," Said Everyone Polled

Aubrey O'Day spent all day Tuesday shooting a spread for Playboy in Manhattan. This is hardly the first "spread" she's done for thousands of men, I'm sure.

Sadly, it's the classiest thing she's done all week.

How I Met Your Brother, by Neil Patrick Harris

The Naked Man episode of How I Met Your Mother was the first one I watched without Doogie's blogging music ringing in my brain.

If Britney's cameo brought better ratings than Barney's Barney, something is wrong with the TV-viewing public. There are plenty of lady-nipples in the blogosphere, you deserve this.

Those Shoes! That Hat! Ooh La la!

Things I hate:

1. Hippie headbands designed by Mischa Barton that look good on nobody, especially Mischa Barton.

2. Paris Hilton borrowing my awesome fashion ideas.

Heidi and Spencer May Have Eloped. It Could be a Publicity Stunt. Either Way, Who Cares?

I just wanted to post this before everyone else does. Perez Hilton has sources that are saying Heidi and Spencer eloped in Mexico over the weekend. Is she pregnant? Is that technically a sign of Armageddon? Someone get Bruce Willis on the phone immediately! He's the only one who can fix this.

Evan Rachel's Wood

Boy is my face red! Like Uggs, Paris Hilton, and Lord of the Rings, there's another Hollywood trend occurring that I completely missed the boat on: dating as many douchebags as possible, as quickly as possible.

Nicolette Sheridan wasted no time jumping on the David Spade Express, and now Evan Rachel Wood (ex and look-alike of Marilyn Manson) has started a romance with Joseph Gordon-Levitt less than a month after her two-year relationship ended. What did you say? Joseph who? Remember this guy?

Time, Love, Tenderness and Midgets

Nicolette Sheridan of Desperate Housewives celebrated her 45th birthday at Luau, a new Hollywood restaurant. Her engagement to Michael Bolton was broken off recently, and although she's about 30 years too old for PDAs, she spent the entire evening making out with reliable rebound guy, David Spade (ask any aging divorcee like Heather Locklear, Carmen Electra, or Pam Anderson).

Seems her birthday theme was I'm Too Old for This as her birthday cake read, "Happy Birthday Princessa". Princess parties usually stop at kindergarten, but hey, that's probably the last time she dated someone David Spade's size.

Anyway, looks like Michael Bolton has found some material for the lyrics of his next suicide-inducing heartbreak anthem. Is there a Grammy category for that? I smell a hit!

Stephanie Leaves Hubby #2, How Rude!

No was reason was given for Jodie Sweetin leaving her second husband, Cody Herpin. Not that anyone cares, but it was a great excuse to contact her old castmates for comment. Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen confirmed the news with a thumbs-up and a "You got it, dude". John Stamos seemed sympathetic and asked the public to, "Have mercy". Candace Cameron was shocked and quoted as saying, "Oh my lanta."

We can assume the reality show they had in the works is cancelled unless they want to chronicle their divorce which, coincidentally, would have been a fantastic premise Denise Richards: It's Complicated. You know you would have loved to hear about Charlie Sheen's porn addiction. You couldn't click fast enough on the Prince's penis below. I heart you.

I Will Not Blog About This, I Will Not Blog About This, I Will Not Blog About This

How can I NOT blog about this? Must... restrain... myself.

I KNOW! I'll let someone else do it.

Wanna see Prince William's penis? Click here. Pervert.

Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel: Off the Market Again (Maybe, Maybe Not)

Love is gentle.

Love is kind.

Love is realizing you're not going to do any better.

The grass isn't always greener, especially when you're busted. Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel have been spotted in public together several times over the last two months and claim they are just "being" right now. If "being" means "waiting for something better to come along," get used to it. A public service announcement:

Dear Sarah,

The dating scene, much like our economy, is in the toilet right now. Two years ago, Jamie Lynn Sigler divorced AJ Discala and started dating hot Kirby from Lipstick Jungle. Upgrade! Our 401k's were fine, and hot horny 20-somethings were bursting from the rafters. Then, she got greedy and went for another upgrade. Do you know where she is now? Jamie Lynn Sigler is dating Turtle from Entourage and she's Jamie Lynn Sigler. Now go find your chubby piece of manmeat and hold on with every ounce of strength you can muster before you end up with Dave Coulier. -Star Droppings

Christmas Gets a Kick in the Nuts

The lighting of the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center attracts families from all over the world. Mark your calendars for December 3rd. This year, the time-honored tradition will be lead by a figure of our society who wordlessly exudes morals, family, warmth and tradition. That's right, the holiday season will officially be rung in by Britney Spears. Remember when she showed us her Christmas ham?

This year, Britney will remind us that Christmas is about giving the people what they want. Instead of toys for tots, put red bows on cigarettes and heavy machinery. Would you like to provide your unborn child with a gift that keeps on giving? Try fetal alcohol syndrome. The perfect gift for anyone? Try Britney's latest album, Circus, which happens to be dropping that very week. Nothing says "I love you" like songs written about bowling, Wal Mart, and Kevin Federline. *Sigh* I love the holidays.

Samantha Ronson is Bloggin' Mad

By now, you've heard all about the protestor who threw flour at a fur-lovin' Lindsay Lohan. Samantha Ronson was so angry, she blogged. If you read the blog, it becomes clear that she had misplaced her anger. She's not mad at Lindsay for wearing fur. She's not mad at PeTA, who constantly targets her lady love. She's not even mad at the protester who flung the baking staple. Here's a snippet from her myspace blog (which can be read here) on her current state of anger:

"today I'm pissed at the bag of flour thrown on Lindsay last night."

That's right. She's pissed at the bag of flour. I've been mad at inanimate objects, too, but it's usually my computer for booting me off the internet or my time machine constantly setting itself to 1969 (that pervert thinks it's hysterical), but targeting your rage at a bag of flour is nothing but cruel. That bag of flour didn't wish to be flung at Lindsay Lohan. Nobody wishes for that. Samantha also made a good point at the end of her blog when she wrote:

"p.s.s. i think there are plenty of families that could have used that flour for a meal. nice job, lady."

What's for dinner, mom? Flour... agaaaaaaainnnnnn? *Groan*

A Shocker from the White House

Our Dubya is a man of integrity. He's not spending his last days in office pardoning death-row inmates or fulfilling huge promises made to lobbyists. He's found a much better way to sign off. He had his staff throw a group shocker to America. Both creative and sexy, it's hardly a coup. You know how it is in a group setting. Peer pressure is a bitch. It just takes one guy to yell, "One in the pink, two in the stink, baby! YEAH!". I hate that. You should see my wedding album.

Score One For The Bachelor

Looks like one Bachelor who finally realized he wasn't going to do an better. Charlie O'Connell (brother of Mr. Rebecca Romijn) and Sarah Brice have reunited after their 2007 split and plan to wed. They found each other on The Bachelor in 2005.

If you want to see more photos, hop on over to the Charlie O'Connell fan site. I'm sure you won't have any problems with the server being busy.

No Estrogen in the Budget

The Ex List is nowhere to be found. Swingtown was shut down by the networks. NBC has just confirmed that Lipstick Jungle has been cancelled. The series' viewership dropped to just over a million when it was moved to Fridays (duhhh, move it again).

If every bad vagi-comi-drama I have gotten into this season meets the same fate, then The Starter Wife is doomed. NBC has also cancelled My Own Worst Enemy, but I don't watch anything with penis in it.

There seems to be sausage popping up all over the network lineups. Take Super Manny for example. After watching Jo Frost deal with undisciplined devilspawns for an hour on Friday night, there's another hour where a man tries to do it. I'm sure he'll be successful or ABC wouldn't have picked it up. I'm calling shenanigans.

Sycamore Valley Ranch Company - 1, Creepy Househunters - 0

Are you a house hunter on the market for a sprawling ranch where hoards of children may or may not have been molested? You're out of luck.

The deed to Neverland Ranch was officially transferred on Monday from Michael J. Jackson to Sycamore Valley Ranch Company.

I hope you're happy, Mr. Sycamore. All the Lysol in California can't cover up the stench of a child's fear.

Enjoy the carousel!

LA is Short One Stalker: Apply Today!

Paula Abdul had a stalker? Wait... Paula Abdul had a fan?? Well, not anymore.

Paula Abdul's fan was found dead outside Abdul's home yesterday due to an apparent drug overdose. The known stalker's parents called police when hey couldn't find their daughter and told them she "had an unnatural obsession" with Abdul. She was found in her car.

Police had been called to Abdul's home several times in the past to deal with the woman. That is no longer an issue.

Nobody Cared About Blossom, So On to a Clip from 1930

You don't need to watch the whole thing, unless you want to die just a little in your brain. In the first few seconds, Lindsay Lohan talks about how excited she is that America elected it's first "colored president".

Just when I thought Diddy might have run out of things to video-blog about...

Alright, Who Got Blossom Pregnant?

We heard Blossom was pregnant again, but nobody seemed to follow up on this one. Apparently she gave birth to a baby named Fred a couple months ago. He seems to have inherited her keen sense of fashion.

A New Version of Evan Rachel Wood. Hint: It's Disgusting

Remember Evan Rachel Wood? She was a promising child star who did a creepy sex scene with Marilyn Manson when she was 19 and he was 36 then they started dating. Yeah, her. Well, something tells me she is having some identity issues.

She and Manson have recently broken it off. Presumably because she had transformed herself into, well, him. Or at least a poor man's version of his ex-wife Dita Von Teese. Go ahead, drink it in.

Fugly Betty

Courtenay Semel has been cut off by her father, former Yahoo! CEO Terry Semel. Strapped for cash, the bisexual socialite is considering a reality show.

Courtenay is rumored to have been the live-in love of Lindsay Lohan, and had a short, but very public romance with Tila Tequila. Thankfully smell-o-vision hasn't been invented yet, otherwise any fan of this flop would be febreezing the rotten flounder stench out of their furniture throughout the show's one-episode lifespan.

A Big Day

JustJared.com


I urge all Americans who supported me to join me in not just congratulating him, but offering our next president our good will and earnest effort to find ways to come together to find the necessary compromises to bridge our differences and help restore our prosperity, defend our security in a dangerous world, and leave our children and grandchildren a stronger, better country than we inherited. -John McCain

Kim Jong Il Called: It's Erection Day!

Happy voting day, kids! If you've already cast your ballot, congratulations on avoiding the long lines. If you've already cast your ballot in Florida, rest assured your vote will never be counted due to voter fraud, mail fraud or the fact that I sent you a fake absentee ballot when you told me you were a democrat. But thanks for voting yes on amendment 2, wherein the county allocates forty taxpayer dollars every day to pay the man who follows me with a boom box playing my "theme music". I thought you might catch on because your precious ballot was written in crayon. Sucka.

I made you some awesome designs you can print, attach to your shirt with a safety pin, and wear to your voting location. Make sure you choose just one, unless you're undecided. In that case, wear them all. When the old lady working the polls hands you your ballot with her freezing cold hands, she may give you a hard time about your awesome design. You then simply remove your awesome design, put it in your pocket, and make a crude joke about how long she's been "working the polls". Always classy.

Monday Shocker

DeAnna Pappas has confirmed to In Touch Weekly that her relationship with Jesse McSnowboard is over.

As if to say "in your face," Trista Rehn confirmed she is pregnant with Ryan Sutter's child, a second for the Bachelorette couple who make a few bucks turning their wedding into a reality special for ABC.

In news from the future: Though interest in the couple is waning, exclusive rights to photographs of the birth are available to the highest bidder. Starting bid is twenty dollars and a six pack (or best offer).

Joaquin Phoenix Quits Making Movies You've Never Heard Of

Joaquin Phoenix confirmed he's quitting the movie business by writing "BYE!" and "GOOD" on his fists for the premiere of his film Two Lovers. I guess he anticipated they would be as well-received as his other big films like Reservation Road, We Own the Night, It's All About Love and Buffalo Soldiers.

Kudos to an actor who can bow out before his decline. Or rise to stardom.

Call Me Bitter

You say humanitarian. I say homewrecker. Let's call the whole thing off.