The Plugfest That Was the Rock of Love Reunion

Who watched it? Did you? Did you?

Let me give you the rundown. It opened with the annoying self-titled "Barbie Twins" Kristia and Brandi C, who have moved in together and shared their hilarious tales, from a road trip they took to sharing a bed with each other to putting their big fake chests together because it helps them think. They wore matching wedding dresses in case Bret has changed him mind (no comment from Bret on this one). It was an obvious "two-nasty-blonde-skanks-share-an-apartment-let-the-hinjinx-ensue-please-VH1-give-us-a-reality-show" bid. And it was sad.

My favorite plug of the night came from Rodeo, the world's oldest living groupie/reality show contestant/female. She tells Bret that she would another chance with him if things don't work out with Jes. She reminded me of the kid who always got picked last for kickball. I felt bad for her, until she used this television opportunity to plug her own clothing line and organic barbeque sauce. Yes, barbeque sauce. She even brought a bottle to show the camera. I don't remember her having it in her hand when she walked to the stage, so use your imagination as to where it may have been stashed.

Then Samantha came to the stage. You remember Samantha. She cried a lot and wore a hella-ton of mascara and eyeliner: awesome combo. Well, she called Bret out for sleeping with Lacey and having a threesome over the course of the season, questioning how anyone can start a relationship when her perspective lover starts off by cheating on her. Apparently, Sam doesn't own a TV and has never seen The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Flavor of Love, I Love New York, Joe Millionaire or Age of Love.

Lacey came to the stage and it felt like she would never leave. This was the worst part of the reunion. She explained why Bret did the show and how she was the brains behind much of the season, and her whole job was to have Bret's back. Whaaaa? It was like sitting through a parenting seminar from Britney Spears. She then got up with her band, Nocturne (plug, plug, plug), to perform a song she wrote called "Shallow", which she wrote about her experience with the other girls. We found out her video is available on YouTube, but PLEASE save yourself from bleeding eyes and ears. She can't sing, she can't write, and she can't dance in stripper heels.

Brandi M. tells everyone that she would never be with a man who slept with Lacey. They then have an intellectual debate about who is the bigger slut, and the issue of the pornos made by both Brandi C. and Brandi M. are brought to light (literal plug). Like you haven't googled them already...

Heather gets up, extensions sold separately, to confront Lacey. They ended up hugging and forgiving each other for the horrible accusations they made in front of each other's parents (imagine someone saying in front of your father, "We all know you've been sucking Bret's c0#k every night").

Bret comes back out, he and Heather make up, and Bret announces for the millionth time on the show that he is "turned on".

And finally Jes, who is wearing her alleged new boyfriend's business' name on her shirt. If you missed the plug, it's Chii Clothing Culture. She tells Bret he should have walked her to her hotel room after the last episode (the only justification she gives before saying...) ...he should have chosen Heather. This segment lasted about thirty seconds and the show was over. It left everyone saying, "Wait. What? What just happened?" Jes runs to hug Heather and says, "I don't care what America thinks, I'm right."

I see a Flavor of Love coming. I will go on record and predict this: BRET MICHAELS WILL BE NEXT SEASON'S ROCK OF LOVE HEARTTHROB. HEATHER WILL COMPETE AGAIN, AND SHE WILL LOSE AGAIN (a la New York). It's a sick, sad world. Not because these women subject themselves to humiliation and STDs, but because I am looking forward to it. C'mon Summer '08!!

Heather Would Have Stuck Around

Sadly, Page Six reported today that not only are Bret Michaels and Jes Rickleff no longer together... they never even tried.

Jes called Bret when she returned home to Chicago to let him know that she started dating a clothing designer.

The good news is that Rock of Love was VH1's highest-rated summer series and has been renewed for a second season. They have not confirmed, however, that Bret Michaels will be the leading man.

I think we all rooted for Jes throughout the series. She was funny, likable, and it seemed safe to assume she didn't smell like halibut. However, I felt that Bret's perfect match was Heather. Let's face it, the man is an STD breeding ground. Heather is a stripper and presumably, not a virgin. Did you see the montage of her getting ready for the final elimination? The yellow dress, the stripper heels, the hairsprayed windstorm of a hairdo... brilliant! I wonder if he took her number.

Danny Bonadouchey and Jonny Fairplay

Danny Bonaduce and Jonny Fairplay. You have all heard what happened and seen the after-photo of Jonny Fairplay, right? But did you see it happen? Fortunately, TMZ.com has a video available.

Wow. Wow. I am shocked. The sound actually made me gag. Physically gag.

Knowing that Fairplay broke his teeth and toe and landed on his head... *gags*.

I haven't felt this sick since Britney lost custody of her kids.



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