Dancing With the Stars... or Whoever Else is Available

I just popped over to People.com because I heard they put out the list of the new Dancing With the Stars contestants. I think I saw a couple of these people on the Flavor of Love Casting Special. Last season, we had the Heather-Mills-possibly-losing-her-leg drama. This season will certainly throw us some broken hips (thanks to Jane and Wayne). If you haven't seen it yet, here are the illustrious few who made it this year:

Melanie "Mel B" Brown, 32, Spice Girls ("Scary Spice") singer
Sabrina Bryan, 22, actress/singer (The Cheetah Girls)
Helio Castroneves, 32, racecar driver
Mark Cuban, 48, businessman (owner of NBA's Dallas Mavericks)
Jennie Garth, 35, actress (Beverly Hills, 90210)
Josie Maran, 29, supermodel
Cameron Mathison, 38, actor (All My Children)
Floyd Mayweather, Jr., 30, boxer
Wayne Newton, 65, singer
Marie Osmond, 47, singer/doll designer
Albert Reed, 22, supermodel
Jane Seymour, 56, actress

So, I decided to go to the ABC.com message boards and look at some other people's opinions. They're all nicey nice, saying that it's the "dancing" that's important. Um, what about that "stars" part? So, I left a message to that effect to rile some folks up a little.

I also like to visit message boards of shows that I have never seen and disagree with what everyone is saying, make up observations, and spout off random opinions. In fact, I think there's a Star Trek board out there right now, dying for me to visit and ask about R2D2 -they love that.

Bret Michaels - Fruit Roll-Up Hunter

Have you been wondering what Bret Michaels killed this week to get his Episode 6 wardrobe for Rock of Love?

Well, keep wondering, actually, because it was either a fruit roll-up, or someone has mad sewing skills and a hundred unused pairs of edible panties.

The competition was fierce, and if you haven't watch your TiVo yet, you're in for plenty of exciting dumpster-diving, porta-potties and woman-on-woman battle action. I won't keep you in suspense. Magdelena, the drag queen, went home. She was very pretty and sweet, but when she had to squat to kiss Mr. Michaels goodbye, his decision to eliminate her became clear to me. She was a giant manbeast.

Rock of Love, again, did not dissappoint. There are six contestants still standing, and one-by-one, they will be cruelly picked off via elimination or deterioration due to rampant STDs... whichever comes first.

ABC's Next Bachelor

Look out, ladies - ABC has announced its next Bachelor. Is he an oil tycoon? No. Is he a professional football player? Not this time. Is he moderately handsome? In a sort of ventriloquist way. I have been staring at his picture for five minutes and I think I'm starting to hear voices, and I'm pretty sure it's him. Just stare for ten seconds, you won't be disappointed.

Meet Brad Womack, a bar owner from Austin, Texas. America's next Bachelor. This is the eleventh installment of the show, so you'll just have to forgive the noise... that's just ABC scraping the bottom of the barrel... and the voices.

The show has billed him "The Bachelor's own McSteamy". Now I'm not a sexist (for the time being, let "sexist" be defined: one who judges sexy people) but Eric Dane is in a whole different league than Mr. Womack. It's not like he's the most terrible looking man on Earth, but I smell a twist this season. Perhaps the bachelorettes are 40 year old virgins. Or on meth.

I wish him the best of luck in his pursuit of a long-lasting one night stand. The season premiere is September 24th, which also happens to be (here's some trivia for you) the 23rd anniversary of the world's longest kiss which lasted 17 days, 10.5 hours.

Rock of Love, Age of Love, and a Little Bit o' Baio

Is reality tv almost too good this week? If you recorded Age of Love last night, please don't read this. It would be worse than knowing that Bruce Willis is dead in the Sixth Sense.





So, the two remaining ladies went to Austrailia to meet the family of Mark Philippoissis (or Mark Philapoopchute as he is know to me and all my, well, just me) and boy, they have the bachelor-style format figured out.





There are only two women who win this type of competition: the good girl (see: Joe Millionaire) or the dirty slutbox (see: The Bachelor, season 1).





Amanda, the 25-year-old, played the shy, sweet, "I already love you" role on their final date, while Jen harnessed the 48-year-old whore within and told him how many times she has consecutively achieved you-know-what while doing you-know-what in a row. Now, I'm assuming the two of them never got down past those naughty full-body massages a couple of episodes back... so it's pretty safe to assume she was telling him about her experience with some other guy. Gross.





ANyway, in the shocking twist to end them all, Mark chose the younger woman and they sailed off into the sunset, and probably a very lovely three weeks together. I did find out that he was engaged to an 18-year-old two years ago. Had I known this, I wouldn't have been so caught off guard. The bachelor almost always picks the sure thing.





Meanwhile, back on Rock of Love, Bret Michaels has cut two of the most interesting women from his list of potential leather-sporting-brides-to-be; Brandi C. (the smartest one in the house) and Rodeo (the one who always kept her emotions in check). But clearly, PETA is the real winner here, because Mr. Michaels wore another full-length animal ensemble to the eliminations. This time, it was a tiger. Either Poison is still pulling major royalties from Look What the Cat Dragged In, or Big John makes late night trips to the zoo to kill Bret's coats with his big, bare hands.

One quick question: is anyone watching Scott Baio is 45 and Single anymore? I figured that lunch he had with Joanie in the first episode would be the high-point of the series, so I gave up. Remember that? She theorized he was unsuccessful with women because he is self-conscious about the alarmingly teeny heat he's packing. If you are watching, I would love to know if anything has happened since then.

Baioooooo!