She Me on the Doll Where He Touched You

Some things just make me feel dirty. I saw some pictures of the American Idol contestant over the weekend that did, for sure. Who didn't? I thought I might post about that today, but then something happened that made me feel dirtier than an old man hiding in the park bushes.

This.

Hugh Hefner, 80-year-old founder of Playboy, is said to be secretly engaged to girlfriend #1, Holly Madison. I think she's 26.

Do you think he got a tingly feeling when he was 54? Some sort of premonition that his future wife was somewhere in the world... being born? No, that's sick. He probably felt that way when he was 59 and she was finally learning to ride a bike. Or when she was discovering boys and he was 66. Or maybe it was vice versa. Maybe she got her first tingles when she smelled urine-soaked bedsheets in a nursing home. Who wouldn't?

I think we should get a new law going that redefines rape. Like, it's not OK to get with little kids, or teenagers - I get that. They're helpless, they can be overpowered, they don't know what's going on, etc. Doesn't this also sound like a crime against the elderly? Someone stealing Hef's social security? Tolerable. Being raped by a woman one quarter his age? How do we sleep at night, a society that would allow this to happen to that poor old man?

The Biggest News Since Breakfast

When E! Television News broke into regularly scheduled programming to report that Britney Spears had shaved her head, I was shocked and awed.

I think the real news here is that she was in rehab a day earlier, where we can reasonably assume she found out that drug tests can be performed on strands of hair. She hasn't lost her mind. In fact, this is probably the most rational thing she has done since her first marriage.

I am all about celebrity gossip updates. Tell me about illegitimate children, drug abuse, DUI arrests (way to go, Ray Liotta), extramarital affairs, who is dating, who broke up, who reunited in Australia on Valentine's Day despite breakup rumors (hint: it's Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson) - but for the love of all that's Holy(wood), do not insult my intelligence with breaking coverage on someone's hairdo.

I am pleading with the gossip websites here: please, PLEASE, PLEASE be a little more intrusive to find some good material. Hide in bushes, box-in cars, get jobs as celebrity children caregivers - anything. There has got to more out there.

Maybe I am missing my calling. What does it take to be one of these columnists? Nosiness? Check. A camera? Check. A thirst for superficial news? Check. The sly cunning wit of a Russian spy? Double check!

Well, take a good look at the photo below, because it's the last time celeb news will be sub-par if I have anything to do with it!

This Site Is Not Devoted To Anna Nicole Smith

...however, I did just read an interview with her bodyguard, Alexander Denk, who claims that he and Anna Nicole have been having an affair for two years. And that, in case you were wondering, she was an excellent kisser.

Could he be a potential babydaddy? "There's always a possibility," he says. And in true Jenny/Maury/Montel fashion, he said he will assume responsibility for the child if it belongs to him. Five potential candidates, one illegitimate baby. You be the detective:

**Please note, this is not the ACTUAL bodyguard. I couldn't find a good picture of Alexander Denk online, so I just chose someone tough-looking.

Spunky Old Man

Sometimes I wait to blog until I feel inspired or find something that's interesting to me. Last week, I was really sick. Missed work. Sat on the couch. Watched TV. Contracted even more diseases at CentraCare because my regular doctor couldn't see me either day. It was great, really.

Anyway, I am the self-proclaimed expert on Anna Nicole's life and death because it was the only thing on TV. If there's anything you are unclear about, I'm your resource.

Here's a great little tidbit that you may not have heard yet. This actually came out this morning. A source close to Anna Nicole is saying that Neither Howard, nor Birkhead nor Prince Von Anhalt is the father of the baby. This source says she froze the sperm of J. Howard Marshall, her deceased husband, and was inseminated last year, making her baby the heir to millions and gobzillions of dollars.

You can have Santa, you can have the tooth fairy, you can even have pop rocks and soda, but please let this one be true.

In life, we said, "What the...??", and in death we say, "Touche". Well played, Miss Anna, well played.