A Dirtied-Down Version of a Classic

To your right, under my profile, you will notice a poll. We played it when we were little (would you rather eat worms or poop?) and you may have played it last weekend... I did. But THAT version is not blogger-appropriate.

Anyway, I was thinking about this the other day. There would be huge benefits to both, but you only have a day. What are you going to be more thankful you did in the long run?

Maui Fever

If there's one thing I enjoy over the weekend, it's catching up on the reality drama that comes on MTV past ten o'clock during the week. I am almost guaranteed to be the only one that caught it, but I haven't decided whether I hated or loved Maui Fever.

Here is the show in a nutshell: it stars about four guys who live and work in Maui, and have created a network to pick up tourist women. They are only interested in cheap hookups with women who will be leaving in a few days. There are two girl-stars, too. Chaunte is annoying and manipulative and only sort of pretty, and Anna is stunning with crazy self-esteem issues. I like them both.

Moving on. First of all, one of the deepest reasons I watch TV is for the beautiful people. I see enough average-looking people during the day: at the gas station, the grocery store, on I-4, etc, I don't need them assaulting my television too. In all of the online recaps of the first episode, the main character is described as "handsome". I know he's a pro surfer and the son of a pro skateboarder, but this is not what defines handsome. And in my opinion, neither is this:

Fortunately, the show has lots of other beautiful people in it who worship this character because he is who is is... or his dad is who he is... or whatever. So, beautiful people quota: met.

Poor decision-making is another key ingredient to a bad reality show. This show works it out so the characters are old enough that their decisions are illegal, but young enough that the burning and itching hasn't started yet.

My 1-10 Ratings For Components of a Great Bad Realty Show

Skank Factor: 9
Beautiful People: 4 (main character drops total score 100% from original 8)
Drama: 3 so far
Poor Decision Making: 8
Potential For Stars to Wind Up in Rehab/Jail/Counseling: 7

This show so far scores a 31 out of 50 on my fool proof ratings system, which warrants one more viewing, which THEN determines whether I love or hate it. If you are interested in judging it with me, MTV will be showing it - well, it's MTV, they will be showing it five times a day - let me know what you think.

I Could Make Your Life Way Better

I need some help understanding ratings. I sort of miss the days when Mr. Trump sat between a withered old man and a lady who looked like Martha Stewart's uptight sister. He was the most powerful and, arguably, the most attractive person at the table. I effortlessly followed along for two seasons. Now this:

It's definitely not the nepotism that bothers me, in fact, I respect the fact that he is requiring the lady-Trumps to earn their keep. It's the fact that a man who looks like that will voluntarily sit between two ladies who look like this.

Will the candidates take The Donald seriously?

Will they even look at him?

If I smashed a turd between two chocolate wafers would it be as delicious as an Oreo?

I've got nothing but respect for empire-builders, but if I was Donald Trump, I would do whatever I could to enhance my trumpiness. I would sit next to someone ugly and someone dumb. Like maybe he could get Ruth Ginsburg and Jessica Simpson. What am I saying, that's perfect! Or Rosie O'Donnell and the OJ Simpson jury.

I am going to fill out an application to be a television ratings genius, because my ideas are GOLD, BABY!