Don't Look it Directly in the Eyes

Before I go kicking a can down a dusty dirt road because Billy Ray and Tish Cyrus filed for divorce following her affair with Bret Michaels, some good news:

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are broke.

While some may be enraged that Pratt has told Life and Style Magazine that the two are considering bankrupcy and public assistance, they have not looked at the bright side: there is nobody to finance her music career.

And if you think the first story didn't get enough attention, it's because the picture that would have accompanied it would have been so distracting, you would have been busted staring at this site at your desk. I don't want anyone to get fired. What's that? You're not scared? Well, OK then, here goes.... but I have to warn you, if you lean back and forth in front of it, the heavily-lined eyes follow you...

A Testament to Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen's number one fan, Josef Fritzl, better known as the Incest Monster, or the man who imprisoned and raped his own daughter for 24 years, fathering seven children with her, was recently interviewed by German celebrity news site Bild.com, saying: .

"I hate hairdressers more than dentists." And: "My favorite show is Two and a Half Men."

So, there you have it, Charlie Sheen. Sleep well tonight know that there's a core demographic for everyone.

Friday's Something Stupid is Post #300, You're Welcome

We would have been much further along, but several posts had to be deleted for questionable material (blushes, then high-fives self).

Anyway, I don't know what it is about this video, but I have watched it about a hundred times, and am always caught by surprise. Don't let the title of the video fool you into thinking there must be more to it. There isn't.

Audrina Patridge Has a Mother?

Audrina Patridge's mother was found alone on a cement step by Hollywood.tv following her daughter's Dancing with the Stars elimination on Tuesday night, which clears up a lot for me. It took me awhile to figure out why Jillian Michaels was so upset. She says in this video:

"When one door closes another one opens," Lynn slurred as a friend tried to bring her inside. "Audrina is going to f---ing rise. She's got class. You know why? She's a Polish, Catholic, f---ing full-on Italian. Not only that, she was raised right. And I don't give a s--t. It's all American."

I've been looking for the recipe for class for years. Thanks, Lynn!

Indulge:

Why Would You Share the Good News Before Your Album Drops?

There's a leak in Hollywood that's not just coming from Paris Hilton. Sources are saying Mariah Carey is expecting a baby boy to come out of her womb in March that's not Nick Cannon.

The same sources are saying that they're not going public with the news until she begins promoting her Christmas album. Publicity Cannon has a lovely ring to it, just sayin'.

Friday's Something Stupid

Because I'm seeing Chelsea Handler tonight.

More Spectacular Parenting Ideas

If you like the latest Got Milk ad, please sign the attached petition for Build-A-Bear Workshop to start making a limited edition "Ted E. ShowMeWhereHeTouchedYou," because you will find it equally appealing. The whole curvy mother/teenaged son "got milk" was only slightly creepy to begin with, but throw mommy in a tight tee, press her back-to-back spread-eagle with the kid and you've got yourself some dairy porn.

Your move, parents who found the Glee article in GQ offensive.

Practical Clothing for the Toddler with Important Meetings to Attend

Jennifer Lopez and her Twins, Max and Emme, are the come-hither faces of Gucci's overpriced and and surprisingly-similar-to-their-adult-clothing children's clothing line (seriously, how much creativity does it take to make the same outfits ten sizes smaller?). J Lo's three husbands can confirm she knows what turns men on: bedroom eyes and an overdressed twin on each hip.

By now you have seen the Glee full-grown-adult's kids' GQ spread that has the Parent's Television Council up in arms. Have they seen this yet? Compartively, Jennifer Lopez is dangling sexualized underaged tackle into a pedophile pond.

In case you're a teen girl who learned the downside of single parenthood from Bristol Palin, this is a terrific reminder that children are the best way to look sexy and land your man. Thanks, Gucci!